Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The Pineapple Closet


Though I had long suspected SpongeBob might be a little light in the flipflops, I had hoped that somehow "don't ask, don't tell" would extend to the world of cartoon characters. Unfortunately, Dr. James Dobson and the Keepers of All that is Pure, Worthwhile, and Commercially Viable have chosen to out poor old Bob.

Bob joins his friends KEN, TINKY WINKY, and the venerable teddy bear as innocent childhood icons appropriated by the gay community. Dr. James Dobson has bravely come forward to denounce the Bobster and Bikini Bottom as little more than Sodom under the Sea.

According to the BOSTON HERALD, Dobson's Focus on the Family Group outed SpongeBob and others after they were featured in a We Are Family Foundation video. Focus on the Family insists that the video secretly promotes homosexuality to children and says the organization is "manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids." ( similar to tactics used by McDonald's, Mattel,Toys R Us.. etc. etc.)

Dobson points out that episodes often feature Spongebob and Patrick holding hands (GASP! affection between a talking sponge and a slobbering starfish- what will those gay promoters think of next?")

Focus also points out Spongebob's television choices- he loves to watch a kiddie program called the Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. We all know how much gay people are into capes and spandex...

As a rabid Spongebob fan- I know a few other facts which bolster Dobson's gaypothesis. Bob is indeed practicing the Love that Dares not Speak Its Name.
  1. He watches "Queer Eye for the Starfish Guy" whenever Patrick comes over for a "Sleep-Over."
  2. He wears "tighty whities" as underwear. Tighty whities have long been the gay undergarment of choice.
  3. He keeps a snail, the Bikini Bottom equivalent of a cat, as a pet. It is a fact that gay men prefer cats as pets.
  4. Obsessed with his personal appearance and cleanliness as no self-respecting straight sponge would ever think to be, SpongeBob is a typical gay slave to fashion.
  5. Has an older gay gentleman (Squidward) as a mentor and occasional instructor in the homosexual arts. Squidward is a floating blob of effeminate sushi. As the quintessential curmudgeonly old queen, Squidward provides an extra element of rampant gayness to Bikini Bottom. He spends his days listening to show tunes and dreaming of acting (the absolutely most homosexual profession of all."
  6. Patrick and SpongeBob love to go "jelly fishing" which is a thinly veiled allusion to the homosexual hobby of "cruising" or "trolling."
Additionally, the supporting players of Bikini Bottom virtually scream GAY! GAY! GAY! in every scene. There is Larry, the vain bodybuilding lobster who spends all his time in the gym (a typical homosexual pasttime). Larry struts down the beach, preening and posing for everyone, especially attractive male sea creatures. He openly invites the lustful leers and gay comments of SpongeBob and Patrick.

Sandy the Squirrel provides the lesbian relief in Bikini Bottom. With her masculine wardrobe, love of rocket science, and butch-girl hobbies such as weightlifting, karate, and building things, Sandy stands out as a squirrel who kisses girls.

There are other obvious signs of perversion in Bikini Bottom, ranging from Mr. Krabb's cross-species offspring (Pearl) to the sado-masochistic tendencies of the driving school instructor.

I am so thankful to Dr. Dobson and the other keepers of morality that there is someone out there willing to devote his considerable wealth and time to stamping out cartoon porno once and for all. Thanks to Focus on the Family and other like-minded groups, I sleep better at night knowing that gayness will not thrive in TVLAND.

It is good to not have to think for myself, to have purer and more upright folks in charge of all the important decisions of life.

I can't wait until they start on Barney- that perve has it coming!

"Don't forget- think for yourself or someone might do it for you. " -Someone like Focus or Pat Robertson or Barbara Boxer or John Kerry or.....

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