Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Pastor's Last Message


(exclusive to the SOUR GRAPES GAZETTE)

New London, CT:

Anticipating a big celebration and an even bigger raise to mark his 25 years in ministry, First Baptist Church's Reverend Jerry Martwick, 54, was stunned when the congregation did absolutely nothing.

"It's not like the (expletive) didn't know the anniversary was coming. I dropped hints at every (expletive) service for the last two years. I mean, I used Moses, Timothy, Paul, Titus, everyone I could think of to stress the importance of service. Hell, I even pulled out the coup de grace- Jesus washing the feet of his disciples. Did they get it? I am sure they did. Did they give a flying (expletive)? No they DID NOT!" fumed Martwick.

While some of the pastor's fury came as a result of hurt feelings, much of it owed to the fact that he had recently committed himself to the purchase of a 2006 BMW M5 four door sedan, fully loaded. The hot new car cost a whopping $78,000 out the door.

"I bought this sweet machine, with it's 5 litre V 10 front engine with 92 mm bore, 75.2 mm stroke, 12 compression ratio, double overhead cam and variable valve timing/camshaft thinking I was going to take home around $58,500 this year, including my raise," said Martwick. "Instead the (expletive) congregation gives me the poor mouth "donations are down all over" song and dance and keeps my salary at a paltry $42,450. Now this sexy machine is going back to the dealer before I even got my new tags."

After raising eyebrows with his provocative church sign, Martwick then hurled his set of keys and choir robe at associate pastor Dave Knight, revved up the BMW'er and sped off to the unemployment office.

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