Saturday, May 21, 2005

I See Someone's Underwear


(Dublin, OH)

Reeling from the abysmal failure of their "Mr. Wendy's" ad campaign, officials at the nation's third-largest fast food outlet announced today that Sadaam Hussein has been tapped as their new spokesperson.

"Dave (late Wendy's founder Dave Thomas) was a down-to-earth guy to whom everyone could relate. It has been hard finding someone with the same values and appeal, but we think Sadaam could be the one. With all the recent underwear photos being published, the guy is HOT!" said Wendy's spokesman Charles Dornay.

"Sadaam actually contacted us first, just after the infamous "finger in the chili" incident. He said he had personally experienced a public relations fallout after being accused of dismembering someone. He believed he could help us turn things around." said Dornay.

Dornay said Wendy's did have some initial reservations due to Sadaam's past reputation and current incarceration but was optimistic that those hurdles could be overcome.

"The biggest obstacle seems to be his insistence that all Wendy's products be certified "halal", said Dornay

"For a food or drink to be described as Halal, it must conform to the Islamic dietary laws as specified in the Qur'an, the Hadith (sayings) of the Prophet Muhammad, his Sunnah (tradition), and in the fiqh (teachings) of the islamic Jurists: Hanafi, Shafi'i, Malki, and Hanbali.Other sources of laws are Ijma' (collective Approval) and Qiyas (syllogy) of Islamic scholars. That is a tall order!" exclaimed Dornay.

Sadaam, meanwhile, is said to be considering other spokesmodel possibilities including an offer to model Calvin Klein's new line of men's thongs. He has also proposed a chain of retail outlets to be called "Behead, Ba'Athist, and Beyond" which will specialize in instruments of torture and men's moisturizing lotions.

His agent would not elaborate on the proposals except to say, "None of this could have been possible if it it were not for the efforts of naive, left-leaning Americans and their garbage-spewing, anti-American media outlets."

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