My feeble attempt at satirizing the satire of the ONION. I may call my publication:
THE SOUR GRAPES GAZETTE
Vice-President Cheney Speaks to
Reporters about "Nag and Cajole."
CHENEY ANNOUNCES GOVT’S NEW “NO AMERICAN LEFT ALONE” PROGRAM
Speaking to a packed room of reporters at the Washington, DC Press Club, Vice-President Dick Cheney announced an ambitious new government program aimed at eradicating any remaining vestiges of individuality and responsibility in America.
“The No American Left Alone program, which we have affectionately dubbed “Operation Nag and Cajole," is the most sweeping attempt ever to address some of the frailties and inconsistencies of humanity. These are things which continue to hinder our progress as a nation,right Condi? ” Cheney said, winking at Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.
Rice, wearing an “I Love My Nagging Government” button on her lapel, shared the podium with Cheney as the two outlined the program’s goals.
“This program is designed to ensure that your government will have a 100% influence over your lives, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.” Rice said. She added that previous government influence in the lives of citizens had been stagnant at 76%. "That means," she continued, "that while we control what Americans eat, drink, smoke, and watch, other areas are slipping through the cracks. I find this unacceptable in a society which prides itself on being the most technologically intrusive country in the world."
Cheney interrupted to say that while some citizens might balk at the program or term it “totalitarian,” most will welcome having someone to remind them of everything from when to file their taxes to putting down the toilet seat.
“Life is stressful and chaotic enough without the added chore of having to think for oneself and plan for the future. Imagine, having a smiling Professional Nag to gently remind you to put that cap back on the toothpaste, make Junior’s dental appointment, or change the oil in the Acura.” Cheney said. Cheney theorized that individuality and self-determination, while worthy philosophical concepts, have no place in the reality of a global economy.
“Face it- human beings really suck at doing things on their own. Just look at the tables in any Wendy’s. I mean, it’s a self-service restaurant and people go off and leave all their trash everywhere. They just expect some miniumum wage slave to pick up after them.”
“So, the government is going to exceed their expectations and hire scores of overpaid bureaucrats to do essentially the same things, said Rice. We anticipate thousands of Professional Nags going door-to-door with pamphlets and personal admonitions on a variety of subjects. One of my favorite new publications is “Please Tell Me You Remembered to Put A New Filter in the Furnace.” It is part of the “Stuff Your Mom and /or Your Spouse Probably Nagged You About But You Ignored Them” series.
According to Rice, other proposed titles in the series include: “Smoking- It is VERY VERY Bad for You And We Wish You Would Quit,” “How to Kick The Cussing Habit,” “Potheads Are Immoral, Irresponsible People Who Should be Kicked off The Planet,” “Thinking for Oneself: Overrated and Dangerous,” “Relax and Let the Government Take Care of All Your Needs,” and “Why Are You Spending Money on Pearl Jam Tickets When Schoolchildren in Bangladesh Need New Crayons?.”
“No citizen should be left alone to make such crucial decisions as when to bathe, paper or plastic, or whether or not to invest in foreign currencies. Our knockout combination of guilt-trips, pseudoscience, and paternalistic overtures should be enough to win the hearts and minds of our citizenry,” said Rice. “For those who continue to stubbornly resist, a few weeks at our re-education spas should do the trick.” She stated.
Cheney concluded the presentation by handing out public relations packets and encouraging reporters to do their best to promote the program to the general public.
“We are counting on all you journalists to do your usual exemplary job of muddling, obfuscating, and distorting the facts to ensure that this program is eagerly accepted by all Americans.” He said.