Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Defiles the Imagination


(Lebanon, TN)

Local welder's assistant Rufus Stilwell got the shock of his life Tuesday night when he made his regular call to Mona's Wet, Wild, and Willing Chatline.

"I chat on WWW all the time so I have a couple of regular girls I always ask for, Destiny and SecretiaMarie. They are so hot and dirty!" explained Stilwell.

"On Tuesday, he continued, "I did my usual thing, called the number and asked for SecretiaMarie. They have my VISA card number on file already, so normally they just patch me right into one of my girls. This time, however, there was a slight pause, a click and then a new voice came on the line."

Stilwell, who usually records his encounters for playback (again and again and again) was able to provide the SOUR GRAPES GAZETTE with a transcript of the shocking encounter.

FEMALE VOICE: "Hello,this is Indira. Vy are you svitching to MCI?"
STILWELL: HUH? Hey! Where is SecretiaMarie?
FV: "Uh, oops, sorry, I picked up wrong line. One moment (fumbling noise) Oooooh hot man, I am Lushus Love Machine of the Ganges. I vil fulfill your (sound of pages being turned) every vantasy and desire."
STILWELL: "Hey- what the (expletive) is going on here? I want Destiny or Secretia. This (expletive) sucks!
FV: "Oh yes, vild lover of my dreams, I can suck or vatever you vant. (sound of kids running in the background.) RAMESH! SHAMIR! VIJAY! Stop the noise, please!"
FV: "Now, I vas saying.. Ooooh,sexy stud man I am so hot for your masculine self."
STILWELL: "I want my money back!"
FV: "Sir, ve cannot do this for you on this line. This line is only for hot talking. However, I am able to also take donations for Police Auxilliary League or qualivy you for new mortgage."

Stilwell said after hanging up he contacted chatline operators who told him that they had been forced to outsource due to extreme competition in the dirty talk industry.

"They told me the competition had been outsourcing to Aruba, Mexico, and India for years and their profit margins were in danger of going flat unless they acted fast and joined the outsourcing crowd," he said. "Unfortunately, that isn't the only thing that is in danger of going flat."

Stilwell has since decided to go to another phone sex service: "Desirable Debutantes." "They have promised me no outsourcing, even if it means higher prices in the future," he said.

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