Monday, June 20, 2005

Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Stupid

"Gee Norm, waddya reckon we should do with our grant money?"

Bigger Brains Make Smarter People Smarter People

Robert Roy BrittLiveScience Senior Mon Jun 20, 1:56 PM ET

For more than a century some of the biggest minds in science have debated whether brain size has anything to do with intelligence. A new study suggests it does.

Bigger brains make for smarter people, says Michael McDaniel, an industrial and organizational psychologist at Virginia Commonwealth University.

"For all age and sex groups, it is now very clear that brain volume and intelligence are related," McDaniel said.

..."On average, smarter people learn quicker, make fewer errors, and are more productive," McDaniel said. "The use of intelligence tests in screening job applicants has substantial economic benefits for organizations."


"Canine Card Clique-A Study in Oil and Velvet"- by Congo the Chimp

Mon Jun 20, 3:22 PM ET

LONDON (AFP) - Three paintings by a chimpanzee named Congo were sold at auction in London to an American Small Brain buyer for a total of 14,400 pounds (26,250 dollars, 21,610 euros), many times the estimated price.

Congo's works were auctioned in a sale that included works by French impressionist Pierre-Auguste Renoir, French cubist Fernand Leger, US pop artist Andy Warhol, and Charo. They had been expected to fetch at most 20-30 dollars.

The buyer, Howard Hong, said he was a great fan of modern and contemporary painting and was absolutely plastered at the time of the purchase.

"I had just flown in from Los Angeles to London on business. After three hours of mind-numbing meetings and leadership exercises, it was off to the Spreading Eagle topless pub to ogle some prime English titties." he explained. "Needless to say, after buying rounds for myself and all the girls, I was pretty loaded." he said.

Nicknamed "the Cezanne of the ape world" Congo turned out more than 400 paintings, mostly on velvet, including "Velvet Elvis", "Fat Velvet Elvis", "Canine Card Clique, (aka "Dogs Playing Poker") several versions of bullfighters, and a Mexican Madonna.

Shamless exploiter and anthropologist Desmond Morris championed the theory that chimps had the same artistic sensibilities as 40-year-old beer- swilling redneck trailer trash. He encouraged the chimp to paint over 400 works and the two traveled the country, selling the paintings out of the back of their pickup.

Picasso is said to have had a Congo painting in his studio, in a style described as belonging to "the abstract expressionist school".

"I doubt whether any work by a chimpanzee has ever been auctioned before," Howard Ruthkowski, modern and contemporary art specialist at auctioneer Bonhams, said before the sale. "Likely because we never imagined that any dumbshit, even American, would pay top dollar for such rubbish. Of course, we thought the same thing about Jackson Pollack. You never know." he said.

Baptists Aim to Baptize 1 Million Members

New Baptist Carrie Threadgill, 23, relaxes after her
post-baptism party

Yet another member being

(Dallas, TX- exclusive to the SOUR GRAPES GAZETTE)

In an effort to expand their political power base and ensure better potlucks, the Southern Baptist convention today announced a new campaign aimed at young professionals.

The "Million Member March" is a hardcore recruiting program with a goal of upping the Baptist Church's enrollment by one million.

"When that roll is called up yonder, we want to be able to put the Methodists, Presbyterians, Lutherans and all the rest of those devil-worshipping pantywaists to shame," said Reverend Cletus Standwell, director of public relations for the convention.

Standwell said that new rules designed to appeal to today's younger worshippers are proving wildly successful. "First we lure them in with wild parties, sexually suggestive church bulletins, rock and roll music, and tacos. After we've snared them- then we let them know the truth: No drinking, no dancing, and no sex unless it is for procreation," Standwell said.

Standwell said that resistance usually breaks down within a few weeks with converts becoming fluent in Christianese and righteous indignation.

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