Friday, June 17, 2005

A Tisket A Casket


For sale: Casket, vacant, probably unused
June 15, 2005 Advertisement

(Chicago Sun Times and Sour Grapes Gazette )

COLUMBUS, Ohio -- It won't be death that parts them, so Dixie Fisher is trying to sell the casket her soon-to-be ex-husband planned to use when he dies.

Fisher placed a classified ad in the newspaper last week hoping to sell the steel casket the couple kept in their garage.
"Marriage died before husband did," read the ad.

Fisher and David Budd, who are divorcing, bought the gray casket a year ago from a friend who works at a metal salvage business. Budd said he agreed Fisher should sell the casket.
"There wasn't anybody in it, and it looked like it had never been used," Fisher said.

Fisher plans to be cremated, but the couple thought the casket would come in handy for Budd.

"I told my husband that, if nothing else, it was a good investment for the future," Fisher said.

The couple also said they have a taste for the macabre: married on Halloween in 1997, they had a party the next day featuring bride-and-groom skeleton decorations.

"I'm really pressed for money, and I'm hoping I can use some of it for attorney fees," she said.
(AP) (Tiki: This is a real news item I just couldn't bring myself to edit...)


Mark Freulich, 35, of Sand Pine Shores and
"John Thomas" his sand sculpture

(Sand Pine Shores, Texas- SOUR GRAPES GAZETTE)

Stung by an ex-girlfriend's accusations that he was "lousier than lousy" in bed, 35-year-old unemployed painter Mark Freulich struck back by creating a giant penis made entirely of sand.

The six-foot long, four foot wide organ took Mark and a couple of very drunk friends about three hours to complete. Freulich lay covered by the sandy schlong for several hours until severe sunburn and lack of beer forced him to go home.

A group of children playing nearby then used the remainder of the penis as a train tunnel.

(Another Darwin Award nominee)

.... still stupid at 82 years old!

An 82-year old Glen Burnie man was transported to the Bayview Burn Center in Baltimore this morning after trying to siphon gas from his car with a vacuum cleaner while the engine was running.

Hospital officials refused to release a status report, but fire officials said he suffered first- and second-degree burns to 20 percent of his body, primarily to the left side of his abdomen, chest, hands and face.

"The vacuum not withstanding, it's not advisable to siphon gas while the car is running," said Lt. Russ Davies, spokesman for the county fire department.He added that the fire could have spread to the gas tank, blowing up the entire vehicle. "It certainly would have been possible," he said. Lt. Davies explained the vacuum cleaner's electric motor caused a spark and ignited the gas."You have to wonder what type of judgment was being used there," said Lt. Davies. (TikiTam: Try NONE, Lt.)


Cocaine lost at a Trial Lawyers Association Disneyland Day Out was
recovered by park employees


Sometimes Disneyland's Lost and Found department returns the missing smile to a child's face by recovering a lost toy. Sometimes it literally returns the hair to a man's head by salvaging a stray toupee.

But Kay McPike, who ran the department for 20 years, witnessed perhaps the biggest change to a visitor's face when she returned a missing item: the woman's glass eyeball.

“Immediately I put out a call and said, ‘Have the sweepers check their pans, because we have a woman who has lost her artificial eye,' ” says McPike, now 83 and retired for 15 years. “It wasn't but a short time later that in came this young guy, and he just handed me his pan. He thought it was a marble. Then he got the call and realized — it was looking at him.”

Disneyland's Lost and Found collects about 140,000 objects each year, most of them hats and sunglasses, with the occasional rock of crack cocaine, hash pipes, vibrators, condoms, and lots of loose change. Some quests are hopeless, such as trying to recover lost wallets with money in them. When patrons came looking for those, McPike would roll her eyes and sign deeply.

When it's something of great value — car keys, large amounts of money, jewelry — McPike also saw some visitors to the Happiest Place on Earth at their most desperate and miserable.

"Sometimes there's nothing we could do but fill out the report and give them a lot of sympathy,” McPike says. "Actually, I didn't give a flying fuck. If you are dumb enough to lose your wallet- you deserve to have to leave your vacation early, doofus."

•A couple with three teenage daughters lost their passports, money and travel tickets at the start of a journey around the world. McPike returned the mother's bag with a lecture to the girls. “I said, ‘You're three teenage girls. You should be responsible for your own crap. Stop yacking on the cellphone and looking at boys and take care of shit."

Anything of value that isn't claimed is stored in a warehouse and donated to Goodwill once a year. Workers who discover cash that goes unclaimed eventually can keep it.

McPike says she never lost anything at Disneyland, but when she retired in late 1989 she did claim one of the nicer items.

“I got a beautiful watch,” she says. “It has little diamond sets on either side. I wasn't supposed to, but everyone steals shit out of here. I put my name on it, and it was unclaimed, especially after I tucked it away in the corner of a drawer where no one could see it." She said a couple came in asking about a similar watch and she shined them on.

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