Saturday, June 25, 2005

News Recap from the Gazette

Court: Some Commandments OK to Display
Associated Press and Sour Grapes Gazette

Supreme Court Justices Bored With "Trivial Shit"


The Supreme Court ruled Monday that displaying a few of the Ten Commandments on government property is permissible in some cases but not in others.

"Obviously we would prefer that they be re-named something like "Ten Little Rules for Living" or "Ten Habits of Highly Effective Citizens," but we can live with "commandments" for the time being," said Justice Stephen Breyer. "But I do wish we would get some real legal cases once in a while instead of all this trivial shit. It is sooooo boring," Breyer complained.

"While the court has found no single mechanical formula that can accurately draw the constitutional line in every case, we have picked out what we consider to be the least offensive commandments, ones which pose little risk of making someone feel badly," Breyer said.

He was the only justice to vote with the majority in both cases: One that struck down Ten Commandments displays inside two Kentucky courthouses and a second that allowed a 6-foot granite monument to remain on the grounds of the Texas Capitol.

"Let's face it- I'm wishy-washy when it comes to anything remotely religious and moving a six-foot granite statue takes a helluva lot more effort than stripping off a few plaques," Breyer told reporters after the decision.

"The divisiveness of religion in current public life is inescapable," wrote Justice David H. Souter. "But it probably wouldn't be as devisive if people weren't so easily offended and had real lives to attend to. Sheesh- it must be horrible having to walk around all the time looking for stuff one finds offensive. Personally, I find nearly everything on prime time television offensive so I just turn it off and read a good book," he concluded.

The justices approved five out of ten commandments for posting with Sandra Day O'Connor saying that they are "pretty good ideas, after all." The approved commandments are:

2nd Commandment; Verses 4-6: "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me. And shewing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments."

"We figure there aren't too many groups into graven images these days, and the showing mercy thing is a nice touch," said O' Connor.

5th Commandment; Verse 12: "Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee."

"Again, this one is safe. Who could not be for honoring moms and dads? And since moms and dads is generic, it can apply to same-sex parents as well. This one stays, with the "Lord Thy God" edited out, of course, " O' Connor said.

6th Commandment; Verse 13: "Thou shalt not kill." This one was picked by Scalia, who only reluctantly agreed to edit the list. "Society will pay for this spiritual regression," he warned.

9th Commandment; Verse 16 "Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour."
"I know I wouldn't want my neighbor to lie on the witness stand. Surely no one can be put off by this one," said Clarence Thomas of his contribution.

10th Commandment; Verse 17 "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's."

"Covet as a word is falling out of usage, so it's a cinch that this one won't offend anyone. Besides, coveting someone's ass is the source of a lot of trouble in the world." said Justice Breyer.

Notably missing from approved commandments was "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," the mention of which caused the justices to titter.

Shiro Nakatami's restaurant
gets lots of prank calls


(South Philadelphia, PA)

Recently-arrived Japanese immigrant Shiro Nakatami is failing to see why his sushi bar "Fuk Mi" has become the butt of so many local jokes.

"Glaffitti post all over beelding. Say thing I not understand. Name restalant not "Fuk U," it "Fuk Mi, FUK MI, dammit," said Nakatami bitterly.

"I get phone call, sometime one in morning. Kid saying silly thing, then laugh. Piss me off mightily," he said.

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