McCain Targets Off-Reservation Gambling
(Washington, D.C.)

"And those Indian casinos don't even have hot cocktail waitresses" John McCain
enjoys coffee after a night of losing at an Indian casino.

Congress never intended for Indians to build Nevada-style casinos away from their reservations, and tribes risk a backlash by pursuing the trend, Sen. John McCain said Tuesday.
"Actually, Congress never intended for the Indians to leave the reservations at all," he said.

"None of us ever anticipated that there would be casinos in the Catskills. Bad Jewish comedians, yes, but casinos- no! " McCain, chairman of the Senate Indian Affairs Committee, told a tribal leader from New York who's pursuing such a project.

"None of us anticipated that the Indians would make busloads of money from this gambling thing. It was supposed to be a way for them to improve the reservations and buy more whiskey and cornmeal for their women to use in making bread, " said McCain.

"We're seeing casinos in downtown Oakland, which has greatly upset the urban landscape of winos, crackheads, hookers, and miscreants. If we have enough off-reservation casinos set up in America we're going to see Walmarts with slot machines just like in Nevada. Plus, I lost seven hundred bucks in one of their tight slots casinos last week," complained McCain.



Amish gene research may one day solve the enduring mystery
of why men do stupid things at parties


Gene Hunters Flock to Amish Country
(Lancaster County, PA)

Amish country, with it's history of in-breeding and shunning the outside world, has become a mecca for genetic researchers.

The gene hunters, who come from all over the world, spend countless hours rooting through a rich genetic trove that only an insular genetic pool like the Amish and possibly Arkansans can offer.


Another patient who might benefit from
Amish gene research