AMISH HOLD HAT-IN TO PROTEST DESIGNATED HITTER
Groups of very plain Amish men organized a "hat-in"
at the annual Pittsburgh Pirates FanDay
(Pittsburgh, PA EXCLUSIVE TO THE SOUR GRAPES GAZETTE)
Nearly 200 Lancaster Amish sporting traditional straw headgear showed up for the annual Pirates FanDay celebration to stage the first ever "Amish Hat-In."
The hat-in, organized by elder Zachariah Smolzenberg, is an expression of Amish disapproval of a National League study concerning the use of designated hitters. The study finds the DH removes the tedious spectacle of pitchers attempting to hit and speeds up the entire game. Proponents of the designated hitter rule cite the study in pressuring the National League to adopt it.
"It is a grievous sin against God and man," said Smolzenberg. "It is our opinion that if a pitcher bats, then strategy must be used in accordance with rules that were instilled in baseball by God himself back in ancient times. If a pitcher doth sit and another man is allowed to bat in his place, baseball is no longer a thinking man's game. Managers do not manage, they only send people up to bat and pray for results. It is unholy and most proud, " continued Smolzenberg while other Amish nodded their heads in silent approval.
Most Pirates fans appeared to support the Amish in their protest.
"Yeah, I think the Amish are right- the DH rule takes a lot of the planning out of the game. I also think it contributes heavily to the use of steroids in baseball. I just wish they would lose the fuckin' hats, though. I can't see a damned thing!" said Jeremy O'Connor, 24, of Allentown.