REINER AND DESAULNIER ANNOUNCE "NON-ISSUE" MERGER
CALL FOR BAN ON JUNKFOOD AT UNIVERSAL PRE-SCHOOLS
Reiner outlines (ad nauseum) his plan for a world
where "no child is left behind with Twinkies."
(Antioch, CA) - SOUR GRAPES GAZETTE)
Professional blowhard and committed elitist ROB REINER has decided to take a break from his duties directing mediocre movies and focus instead on telling the rest of the world what bad parents they are.
Joining forces with local politician MARK DESAULNIER, Reiner presented his utopian visions of universal preschool without junk food to a group of students who fidgeted endlessly, picked their noses, and cringed at his off-key rendition of Raffi's hit "The More We Get Together."
Billed as "Scared Straight: This is What Will Happen to You if You Don't Eat Right and if You Go Into Politics Without Preschool," the program marked the beginning of what some see as a trend in nannystate politics- ISSUE MERGER.
"Issue Merger is all about getting the most bang from your buck, the most mileage from that fifteen second sound bite. It is about trying to work as many important or non-important issues into a conversation as possible," said Bill Evans, policy advisor to the stars. "It doesn't really matter if the issues share a connection or not," he continued, "only that the bloviator is able to segue effortlessly from one to another before anyone guesses he or she is way off topic."
Students at Miss Nancy's Learning Center were universally unimpressed with the 2 hour Power Point presentation. A few expressed outrage at the program's content.
"This bites, " said Jared, aged 4. "Our teacher said that some important people were coming to share time and we got this fat, bald guy and some other guy that talked forever and didn't say nothing." he commented.
"And they think Fruit Rollups should be banned and replaced with fresh apple slices. Yeah, like that is going to happen," interjected Maria, one of Jared's classmates. She then punched Jared in the arm and ran off to the playground.
A precocious 5-year-old hit DeSaulnier with a barrage of salient questions.
"If the rich people are going to pay to get this program started then who will keep it going? Doesn't a program such as this depend on further taxation of those in lower tax brackets, such as my parents? Also, aren't the benefits of early preschool generally negligible by age 10?" asked Alyssa, the child of local Libertarian activists.
DeSaulnier glanced at Reiner, who shrugged and began handing out "Robin the Rich and The Tale of Junkfood Junction" coloring books.