Thursday, February 02, 2006

Area 51=Alec Baldwin's Brain

Alec enjoys his new job as a celebrity conductor with the
Ffestiniog Railway


(Hollywood- exclusive to the Sour Grapes Gazette)

Following through on his threat to leave the country if President Bush got elected a second time, uber elitist Socialist moron Alec Baldwin has finally left the United States for good.

Baldwin was offered a job as a celebrity conductor on the Ffestiniog Railway, a popular steam line in Wales.

"I watched young Alec in THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE II and it was obvious to me that he was destined to ride the rails. The way he shouted "All Aboard!" gave me shivers up and down my spine," explained Lloyd Acton-Davies-Rhys, director of the railway.

"I didn't get acting jobs for my good lucks, nor did I get them for my acting ability, that's for sure, said Baldwin, 47. "It started to get tougher to get those parts where I got paid to really stink up the screen, like I did with gusto in PEARL HARBOR. Then there was all that shit with Kim. Mostly though, I needed to get away from these meat-eating, redneck racist idiots who call themselves Americans but are too stupid to realize what a deep-thinking cultural icon I am," he said.

Alec admits to having absolutely sucked in 99% of all his films. "I was marginally OK in GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS, but I reeked in all the rest, " he told a reporter.

According to P.ET.A.B.- (People for the Ethical Treatment of Alec Baldwin, the actor also sucks at political discourse.

"Alec Baldwin says something stupid with the frequency of Gamma rays coming from the Crab Nebula. In other words, people who like politics and comedy, love Alec Baldwin. Sometimes, however, his hateful and poorly thought-out comments generate dislike from his political opposites, who would rather he shut up. P*E*T*A*B was established to convince people to let Alec keep talking." P.E.T.A.B also maintains that:

"Baldwin's head is a biological "Area 51" where the crashed UFO's of discredited left wing tripe are secretly kept, and the occasional word will slip out publicly about their existence. His latest winner was comparing the latest presidential election with the September 11 terrorist attacks. Last year, Baldwin told a crowd of 200 Florida A&M students in Tallahassee, "I know that's a harsh thing to say, perhaps, but that what happened in 2000 did as much damage to the pillars of democracy as terrorists did to the pillars of commerce in New York City."

-reported by TD

No comments:


Blog Archive