Thursday, June 09, 2005

Real Events- FAKE NEWS!

NEWSBRIEFS- from the Desk of TikiTam

Microsoft CEO Warns of Internet Dangers


WASHINGTON - Internet Explorer users, beware. The head of the world's largest software company worries that consumers who make Internet purchases have become too complacent about the risks of financial fraud and stolen identity, especially those forced to use IE, which has more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese in a hailstorm.

Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer said in an interview with The Associated Press that a calm period without significant Internet attacks and thousands of Microsoft "security patches" have lulled people into thinking Microsoft gives a shit about Internet security.

"I don't want trepidation high, but on the other hand I want people aware of what's going on and taking appropriate precautions, including using Mozilla or buying an Apple," Ballmer said Thursday. "

Heads Are Going to Roll! (Err..They Already HAVE)

BOSTON (Reuters) - Massachusetts lawmakers on Thursday called for a closer look at border security after customs officials allowed a man carrying a sword, a hatchet, brass knuckles and a chain saw stained with what appeared to be blood to cross the U.S.-Canadian border. (oops!)

Two days after being allowed into the United States in late April, Gregory Despres, 22, was arrested in Massachusetts in connection with the beheading of his elderly neighbor and the stabbing death of his wife in the New Brunswick town of Minto.

Customs officials had fingerprinted Despres, determined there were no warrants for him and let him into the United States. They maintain they could not have detained him because he is a naturalized U.S. citizen and there was no evidence at the time that he may have committed a crime, although the bloody chainsaw was a tad suspicious. "Lots of people bring their chainsaws with them when they come over from Canada. They're bigtime into the lumberjack thing, you know," said a border guard who was on duty at the time.

"This chilling case raises serious questions about security procedures at our borders," said Rep. Ed Markey, a Democrat from Massachusetts and a member of a congressional committee on homeland security. (oh really- ya think?)


Sean Penn phones his wife Robin Wright
Penn from Tehran to let her know that
the ungrateful bastards failed to recognize

TEHRAN (Reuters) - Actor Sean Penn, adopting the role of a journalist, scribbled in his notebook as Friday prayer worshippers in Tehran chanted "Death to America."

Penn was
on a brief assignment for the San Francisco Chronicle ahead of presidential elections on June 17. (apparently the CHRONICLE couldn't spare any of their real reporters.)

He may be one of the best known faces in film and one of the great idiots of our time but he went unrecognized by the 6,000 faithful at Tehran University. Penn, a student of Islam and supporter of anything anti-American, was miffed that he was not recognized as the great friend of the Jihad that he is.

"I cannot believe these rag..these uh, oppressed people whom I have taken under my wing and supported in their violent hatred of the USA, do not recognize me for the saint that I am," said Penn shortly before punching an AP photographer in the nose.

Penn took copious notes as hardline cleric Ayatollah Ahmad Jannati urged the congregation to vote en masse "to make America angry" and to "ignore that self-righteous infidel prick Sean Penn."

Chips Found in Place of Woman's Ashes

HOUSTON (Yahoo News) - Two daughters have sued a synagogue after they found a potato chip can in place of their mother's remains behind the locked, glass door of her niche in a mausoleum.

When the women visited Vivian Shulman Lieberman's niche in a Houston mausoleum a year ago, they found the cedar chest containing her ashes missing and a can of sour-cream-and-onion potato chips in its place. It was determined the chips were PRINGLES and that the "best if eaten by" date was March 3, 2005. The ashes are still missing.

"We have been devastated," Marcelle Lieberman said this week. "We hope we will be able to find her remains before we die, to give us closure of some sort." (errr.. Marcelle, I think death IS a sort of closure...)

Marcelle Lieberman and her sister, Harriet Lieberman Mellow, filed the lawsuit recently against Congregation Beth Israel and two funeral businesses.

Officials with the synagogue and the two companies deny responsibility, saying an elderly congregant probably confused the chips and the ashes.

"It is obviously very upsetting to the family and to all three of the defendants, " said Neal Manne, a lawyer and Beth Israel board member who is representing the synagogue. "But a lawsuit is about whether there is any legal responsibility and how much money you can shake down someone for, and Congregation Beth Israel did not do anything wrong."

The sisters are also suing the companies that arranged for their mother's cremation and inurnment, Levy Funeral Directors and Schlitzberger's Family Craft Monumental Services. The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages, saying each defendant intentionally inflicted emotional distress.

In July 2003, Marcelle Lieberman visited the niche. Harriet Mellow visited that fall.

They said they returned to the mausoleum together on their father's birthday, June 10, 2004, and discovered the potato chip can in their mother's niche.

A locksmith opened the niche and Houston police took custody of the can, which still contained potato chips.

"To their added horror," the lawsuit states, "Harriet and Marcelle learned that the can had been visible in the niche for at least six months."

The lawsuit alleges that Schlitzberger's failed to close and lock the niche

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